Musings on the Lake

My mother died on August 30, just 4 days after entering Hospice. I guess she just allowed herself to let go. I am so thankful she didn't have to suffer a long, lingering death. God richly blessed our family as we spent time together the weekend of her memorial service. Relationships were renewed and strengthened. I miss her greatly. She loved me warts and all, and you don't find too many in this world who can do that for you. Momma, I love you too!

Wow, I never dreamed that I would be where I am right now. To watch a parent who was once so particular about how they looked, what they wore, etc. etc. become so out of touch with it all. To see them feel so bad that they cannot care anymore is very difficult. Then, to finally see them in the process of giving up and knowing things could have been somewhat different had they only made different decisions. We admitted my mother into the Hospice program yesterday - eight months after finding she had a lump in her breast and six months after finding there was also a spot or two on her lung. I pray that God will send someone to her to show her how much she needs Him.

WOW! How did 19 years pass so fast? I can remember holding her in my arms with her gentle curls and big eyes. And, now, she's going off to college. Life will be so different without her here every day. She says we'll miss her, and she's right. She's the delight in my day and makes me laugh. I've been so preoccupied with my new and changing roles that I haven't taken the time to prepare, grieve, "get over it." I'm afraid it's going to hit me like a ton of bricks. I think as a homeschooling mother it is sometimes harder because we get used to being around our children all the time, and we love that part. When you still have one at home, it's a little easier, but now, the EMPTY NEST is coming soon. Life will be different, and I'll have to look forward and not back.

The longer I live the more I don't know. Just when I think I've got things figured out, I don't. My mother is sick with cancer. It's in her breast and her lung. I thought she wanted to get treatment, but I don't think she can wrap her arms around it. I think it's too overwhelming for her. Twice she's been one step away from finding out a treatment plan, and twice she's cratered. They say the 3rd time's the charm, so we'll see. Maybe a more local doctor won't be as scary - guess we'll just have to see. August 13 - "D" Day - a new oncologist for her.